How to deal with stupid customers

I think this blog post is long overdue and really deserves to be shined upon. Do you ever have days where, idiots of the human race really piss you off with their inconsiderate behavior thinking that just because they are a customer, buyer or client, they can treat you how ever the way the heck they want to just because they are paying/entitled for a product, advice or service? Well hello dipshit, take your dirty money elsewhere, ain't nobody got time for your deplorable behavior.

Ladies, (and maybe guys too) I don't know why but just because you are a certain age, gender or in a certain job description. This does not give anyone the right to stomp all over you. Yes, even if you work behind the counters serving food, selling clothes, dispensing medication or even as a receptionist, no asshole has the right to treat you like shit.

I've worked in hospitality full time for the last 6 years and now only occasionally part time to help out. And boy, have I experienced some dipshits along the way. This ranges from drunken people to rich educated assholes. Trust me, occupation does not discriminate. I have had friends working in the corporate industry, hospitals and the government who deal with inconsiderate idiots alllll the time.

So, my readers. Here I will shed light on how to deal with certain situations and even give you comebacks. May I warn you that I'm doing this to try and make you feel better, but that does not guarantee for causing loss of job hahah.

 TOP 5 SITUATIONS

(1) The "I'm a paying customer so I can talk to you however the way I fucking want to"

(2) The "Customers are always right" mentality

(3) The urgent customer "Hurry up, hurrry up, hurry the fuck up"

(4) The "I want a refund, even though I've consumed half of this product"

(5) The threatening customer "This is not on, I'm going to report you to the (insert governing body here) or the news"

Now, shall we get started?

The "I'm a paying customer so I can talk to you however the way I fucking want to"

So lets start with this customer, they are usually rude and absurd. Usually spitting yarns and swearing more than a rapper. They usually think that, just because they are making a scene and talking down on you, they have the power to degrade you like an owner yelling at their dog. And no, you do not need to succumb to their arrogance.

Let me give you an example:

Dipshit: Your a fucking bitch, that was shit (insert product/service here) bla bla bla

You: Excuse me, but there is no need for the use of profanity here.

Dipshit: I'm a paying customer so I can talk to you however the fuck I want to

You: Come back here when you lose that profanity, where you can talk to me the way you would like to be treated, then we can sort this out between two adults.

 OR

Here take your dirty money elsewhere, we have no toleration for people with your disgusting behavior.

OR

Your ass must be so jealous of your mouth because of all the shit that comes out of it.

Just because they've paid for a product/service, there is no additional right for anyone to talk to you however the fuck they feel.

The "Customers are always right" mentality

Unless they are actually right and that after putting yourself in their situation and considered their stance. You should reason with them. However, if you know deep down that their not even close to be even right and are just using this "Customers are always right" mentality, don't give in. As this will encourage them that this mentality is applicable everywhere and all the time.

Dipshit: I don't care what you have to say, but customers are always right. So give me (insert stupid compensation here)

You: We value your business here, however we have the right to determine whether or not a customer’s proposal is correct or not and currently I have concluded that your not.

OR

I would like to inform you that at right this instance; you are incorrect and it is now proven that customers are not always right. So get the fuck out of here.

This is such a classic scenario, I don’t know about you but, we all know that customers aren’t always right. So don’t be afraid to tell it as it is. We’re all humans and there should not be privileges for social expectations.

The urgent customer "Hurry up, hurrry up, hurry the fuck up"

This is the I want it now customer. The customer who’s standing in a queue and knows exactly that there is a queue (which logically means that there will be a bit of a wait because of the queue), wants to surprisingly have special treatment and even jump the queue.

They will abuse or abruptly make snarky impatient comments even though you’re probably busting your ass right now trying to serve them and others as quickly as possible. And even when you finish giving them what they want, they come across as pathetic little bitches whining about how much you’ve wasted their precious fucking time.


Dipshit: Can ya speed it up a little? When will I get (insert product/service here) I’ve been waiting here for ages bla blab bla


You:  Thank you for waiting, We/I am working at my full capacity right now trying to get you (product/service) as quickly as possible. I will get back to you as soon as I can.

OR

The person behind you will appreciate you even more once I put you out of the queue, so either quit your bitching or get out of this line.

The "I want a refund/exchange, even though I've consumed half of this product” Customer

This is probably the most favorite consumer complaint for those in retail and hospitality. The idiots who had eaten half of their food, stomp back and say it was disgusting then demand for a full refund? Or even the losers who’ve opened up a bottle of perfume when there were actual testers, declaring that they’ve got the wrong one?

This bunch is usually extremely loud once the accusation is declined. Usually throwing in some intense verbal abuse and extreme exaggeration of dissatisfaction such as the chips, they were just not the right size, I want a refund or another free batch of correct sized chips, must be over 10cms ok? Or I’ll come back for another batch. But not realizing that they actually mean, “I’m just an idiot trying to get something that I don’t deserve”. 

You: We are opened to refunds and exchanges here, however in certain conditions such as yours right now. You do not qualify for a refund. For future references, I would recommend you to not consume half of your food thinking that you can get a refund. Bring it back as a whole and I will be happy to replace it.

OR

Ok, so let me ask you? If you went into the supermarket and bought an apple. Bit into it and bought it right back, changing your mind about the purchase? You think they’ll give you a refund? NO. Get the fuck out.


Unless the product was faulty or not fit for purpose, they are entitled to a refund. But don’t give into these scumbags. They’ll make up all sort of things just to get things for free.

The threatening customer "This is not on, I'm going to report you to the (insert governing body here) or the news”

This one my friend, is the most threatening of all consumer threats. They will usually try to be a smart ass or scare the crap out of you by bringing in the law. Coming across as real stern and of minimum negotiation. The my way or the highway dickheads. The I have so much time and energy to sue you kind of person.


Bitch please, the courts ain’t got time for your stupidity.


Unless it was a severe case, the governing bodies will not get involved in petty complaints. They all know too well that some idiots love to exaggerate and make up stories. It’s just a waste of their expensive time.


If the accustation is stupid and you know that you have a good argument on your behalf, just laugh at them. They probably don’t know crap all about the law anyways.

Dipshit: I’m taking this straight to consumer rights if you don’t do compensate me blab la la


You: We/I are always opened to compensate consumers when they are dissatisfied, however in certain circumstances such as yours, we beg to differ because (insert reasoning here)

OR

You can take it to “insert governing body here” I’m sure that they won’t even look at your stupid case. And even if they do, it’s probably research for their “time wasting complaints” list.

I hope this has helped haha. It’s how I deal with petty idiots. Let me know if you need any ideas? I love proving inconsiderate people wrong. And remember:

Don’t ever let anyone degrade just because they think they have the right to :)